After reading the context of her words, I am even more moved. I have felt the divine dissatisfaction both Martha Graham and her protegé Agnes de Mille (1905-1993) spoke of, and it now feels a divine gift, rather than a flaw to be gotten rid of. It speaks to my artist’s soul, and frees it.

In case it resonates with others, here it is, from Agnes de Mille’s 1950 autobiography, Dance to the Piper, in context. It starts with Agnes de Mille’s words.

“The work wasn’t good enough. All changed, all passed. There was no way of ensuring lasting beauty. Verily, I wrote in water and judging my work with a dreadful dispassionate vision, perhaps it was as well. I spoke to Martha Graham on the pavement outside of Schrafft’s restaurant. She bowed her head and looked burningly into my face. She spoke from a life’s effort. I went home and wrote down what she said:

‘There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open….’

‘But,’ I said, ‘when I see my work I take for granted what other people value in it. I see only its ineptitude, inorganic flaws, and crudities. I am not pleased or satisfied.’

‘No artist is pleased.’

‘But then there is no satisfaction?’

‘No satisfaction whatever at any time,’ she cried passionately. ‘There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.’”

I think when I first read those words many years ago, I thought, what an awful way to live, I never want to be that way…I want to be happy with my life.

But as I live more, I keep finding life is not, at its root, either/or, but closer to both/and. The divine dissatisfaction that Martha speaks of is what I feel at the root of creation…because it is so clear, feeling the divine perfection coming through and then seeing how imperfect it is as I seek to bring it into form.

And yet there is also a feel of perfection in its imperfection, so that those words no longer hold the same meaning as before. It is Martha Graham’s queer divine dissatisfaction as it rests in the arms of the unchanging. There is such joy and aliveness in it, this feeling at the source of creation. It is the beat of the universe, in its unendingly changing form.

Let’s dare to be sacred fools, dancing with life and allowing its vitality to be translated through us into action. In and through our own queer divine dissatisfaction, let’s allow our own unique expression to find its life in this world, for the sake of all.

I realized it’s time to just be with the liquefying of the coccoon of my life. Something new is emerging, and this is just part of the process. I’m glad I don’t need to keep on trying to put all the cells back the way they were! Wasn’t working anyway *wry grin*.

I also decided to google for a little verification that caterpillars do indeed liquefy in the process of becoming a butterfly. And in the wonderful serendipity that is also my life right now, I found this beautiful explanation from Earth’s Birthday Project of what actually goes on inside the crysalis:

“Inside the pupal exoskeleton, the caterpillar’s organs liquefy in a process much like digestion. Some tiny cell clusters, called “imaginal buds,” remain intact. These growth centers contain the chromosomes that carry the butterfly’s genes. They have been inactive throughout the caterpillar’s life, protected deep inside its body. Now the caterpillar body excretes a hormone that signals them to start growing and form all of the butterfly’s body parts. As they develop, imaginal buds absorb nutrients contained in the liquefied caterpillar body. In a few days, the pupa becomes semi-transparent, and the colorful butterfly begins to appear faintly inside. A day or two later, the butterfly emerges.”

To me it perfectly describes our growth transformation when we start liquefying the ego life we’ve spent a lifetime building and choose to instead grow the seeds of our soul’s calling. Those imaginal buds of our soul have been patiently waiting until we were ready to grow from them. And in those soul’s callings are the blueprint for a radically new life to form from our soul’s essence on out.

It’s not about knowing how it will turn out…though the capacity to join in co-creation is there…it’s about hearing the whispers and following them, not knowing where they will lead. That is much more scarey for me, much more uncertain. And so much truer to the soul depth of my experience.

I give thanks for my imaginal soul buds.

If you’re interested, Butterfly in Transformation has great pics and video of the process (and is the source of these shots).

I kept getting out, see the change of scenery and that I was higher up than my room…make my way back through the maze, take another elevator…see new scenery, again too high up…try again.

I woke up and thought: I’m changing hotels!

Why expend so much energy trying to go back to where I’ve been, to my hotel room as I knew it, when I’m growing into such a better and more alluring space? I mean, it’s the difference between that rickety hostel and a luxurious room at Loews Lake Las Vegas, which is where a workshop I’m considering attending is being held. Take a look at this:

Now that’s a hotel room!

It also represents where I choose to head more than where I’ve been. And I woke up realizing I’ve been wasting a lot of energy trying to get back to where I’ve been.

It’s like my mom always said to me growing up: you can use anything you want, but put it back where you found it. Well, as my life has been shifting and as I step into my destiny, I haven’t been able to get back to where I found anything, let alone be able to put anything back. That’s what my dream was showing me.

And what I realized was, in this instance–that’s a good thing. Let it go, and move where my soul and destiny is calling me. That’s more important that figuring out where I’ve been, or trying to neaten up an old life that’s falling apart. Instead embrace the change and make conscious choices about what I create.